mouse-trap
babies in the toolbox.
come look, look at this. I saved them from
the lawn mower, he says.
my brother and I go outside without coats to see.
my father, a noble man
wearing thick gloves
has rescued a family of field mice:
fat momma, bald babies sucking at her stomach
(can we keep them?)
no, they carry disease.
my father, work gloves
and a grocery bag of blood.
(what is that?)
it's a mouse. not a lucky one.
he brings it outside to the garbage bin
weathered plastic coffin, lid shut tight.
he sets another trap. it is
smeared with peanut butter.
I watch from the laundry room doorway
(why can't we save them?)
sometimes, mice have to die.
my father works with rats.
we give them medicine until it
kills them. (why?)
to see how much would kill them
(why not stop when they get sick?)
we are testing new medicines
that could save lives.
we have to know how much is lethal
so we don't kill a person.
rats are a lot like people when it comes
to medicine. yeah, it's awful
but what else can you do?
I imagine my father, long white gloves
feeding a dumbo rat pills
that look like candy.
I am a grown-up, three in the morning
fine white powder up my nose
flickering movement in the corner
of my eye.
chalk it up to paranoia, sleep deprivation
but I dare myself to look.
he is there.
brown mouse on a brown carpet
in this stupid tiny studio apartment.
I call my mother. (what do I do?)
mouse-trap, or a cat. call your landlord.
I do not sleep for two days.
my father, over text
says I can't borrow his cat.
this cat can't kill mice. he loves to sleep.
he tells me: get a trap. bait it with
peanut butter. yeah, it's awful
but what else can you do?
I pace around the apartment. I start to clean
but run out of energy.
I do not call my landlord.
I set the trap.
smeared with peanut butter beside the fridge.
tomcat live-catch mouse-trap, this mouse
will be a lucky one.
I hear him in the walls. I hear him
woven into each and every scattered noise.
I know he is watching me. I can't wear earbuds
or he'll catch me off-guard.
(I have to catch him.)
if I hadn't gotten a video I'd call myself psychotic.
I feed myself pills that look like candy
and I sleep.
(2019)